


Five Times Jaebum Is Jealous (and One Time He Isn’t)

by notionally



Category: GOT7
Genre: Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, Idols, Jealous Im Jaebum | JB, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, idolverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 20:13:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15758868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notionally/pseuds/notionally
Summary: Jinyoung has always been generous with his affections. But Jaebum starts getting annoyed with how close and comfortable Jinyoung is with the other members.Jaebum doesn't quite know why it bugs him to see Jinyoung cuddling up against one of the other members, but he really needs to figure it out soon, because he can't stop losing his temper and things are starting to get ugly.





	Five Times Jaebum Is Jealous (and One Time He Isn’t)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is based on a [BTS fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15444897) I wrote that follows the same 5+1 structure, but with a very different storyline, of course. I love a little bit of jealousy and pining, so I wanted to see how this would work out with JJP.
> 
> Inspired partly because I recently watched [this old got7 video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hrV2xhBV9A) (which is where the Bambam scene is from) and the JJP in that was so strong I was screaming throughout! 
> 
> At one point Jaebum makes a comment on how he's an only child - please don't be offended! I am an only child myself and it's things I wonder often about myself, but that I don't think are true generally about only children. It's just something that I've thought before, and something I can imagine Jaebum thinking as well. This will make more sense when you read it in the story...
> 
> Enjoy!

 

I. Bambam

 

The first time it happens, Jaebum doesn’t recognise the flare of heat in his chest.

They’re all in a line, and the cameras are on, filming some silly games for the fans. Jaebum doesn’t have any problem with that, but then they’re on to the third game, and it’s that one that keeps popping up in variety shows, where they have to pass a sheet of paper between their lips. It’s great for the fanservice, Jaebum knows, but it’s embarrassing and he hates it.

But he still has to participate, and he takes it upon himself to be enthusiastic, because he’s the leader, because they’re still a rookie group, because they need to become well-rounded _entertainers_ , for god’s sake. So when they’re deciding what order to stand in, and it’s Jinyoung’s turn to pick, Jaebum joins in with the rest of the group, wheedling Jinyoung into picking him.

He ends up getting picked, because when Jinyoung complains in an exaggerated voice about being tired, Jackson runs off to get him a chair but Jaebum just _becomes_ the chair for him. He winds his arm around Jinyoung’s waist, tugs him against his thigh as he lowers himself into a straddle position.

It works, and next thing he knows, Jinyoung is laughing and saying his name, “Jaebum-hyung”, and Jaebum can’t help but break into a wide grin. Even when the members cavort around them, gleefully chanting “Jaebum-hyung” as if they aren’t in the least bit surprised that Jinyoung picked him. Even then, he can’t stop smiling.

The feeling of Jinyoung’s lips pressed up against his through the thin sheet of paper sends his insides into a coil of tension. It’s just because he hasn’t kissed someone is such a long time, Jaebum tells himself, turning to Jackson. He wonders idly if he will feel as tightly wound when he feels Jackson’s lips against his, but Jackson avoids his mouth, pressing his lips into Jaebum’s cheek to receive the sheet of paper from him.

Then everyone is cheering and hollering with laughter, and Jaebum turns around to find Bambam that Bambam has plastered himself against the far wall, and Jinyoung is squatting down, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. The realisation crashes into him with all the impact of a truck barrelling down the highway. They _kissed_.

Jaebum isn’t sure it counts as a kiss if it’s just a case of lips brushing during a game specifically designed to result in this eventuality, but the word rings in his mind. There is something twisting inside him, burning hot and trying to worm its way up his throat. He feels sick, can’t look at Jinyoung.

But the cameras are still on, the game is continuing, so Jaebum forces out a laugh along with everyone else. He turns to Jinyoung, who’s still laughing from the accidental kiss with Bambam. The sheet of paper flutters away from Jinyoung’s lips when they’re barely centimetres apart. Jaebum leaps away in alarm, a giggle bubbling out of him nervously.

It happens again, the sheet of paper falling away from Jinyoung’s lips as their faces move closer together, and once again Jaebum yanks himself away. He feels hot, too hot, and everything has become overwhelming. The noise in the room, the members shouting in delight and panic and excitement. The lights behind the cameras. And the way Jinyoung’s lips feel against his, the faint brush of Jinyoung’s fingers against his arms as he tugs Jaebum closer, holds him in place, presses their faces together.

When they are finally done, Jaebum could faint with relief. He stumbles through the closing words, eager to be done with the filming so that he can go back to the dorm and take a shower. He feels sticky with sweat, which he tells himself is from the more physical games they played earlier. But he knows it’s not. He just doesn’t want to think about it.

When the video is uploaded a few days later, Jaebum slips into his room to watch it by himself on his phone. He lays back on his bed, forces himself to watch the entire video all the way through, right from the beginning, because he’s _not_ looking out for anything in particular, he’s just curious about how the games turned out on camera.

But then the third game starts up, and Jaebum can feel his heart stuttering against his ribs. He swallows, watches as they line up, watches as the game starts. His stomach clenches when Jinyoung and Bambam press their lips together, successfully passing the paper between them. But that’s nothing compared to how tightly his entire body squeezes when he sees the moment the paper flutters away from Bambam’s lips, while Jinyoung’s already leaning it.

Their lips barely brush, and for less than a split second. If Jaebum had blinked, he would have missed it. But Jaebum hasn’t blinked in a long time. He pauses the video when Bambam and Jinyoung break apart in surprise, drags his finger along the slider to watch it again. Their lips touch again, and again Jaebum feels something burst into flames inside of him.

He grunts in annoyance, exits out of the app and locks his phone, chucks it to the end of his bed. He’s angry about something, that much he knows. He’s been angry enough times to recognise the throbbing feeling in his head, the tension building up in his shoulders.

But there’s something else, something he doesn’t recognise. There’s a heat coiling deep in his gut, twining its way up into his chest, strangling the breath out of him.

 

 

II. Youngjae

 

Jaebum manages to forget about the incident, for the most part, until he feels it again. A fire blossoming from deep within him.

The things that sets him off is, in the end, laughably innocuous.

They’re at a fan meeting of some sort, they’ve performed a couple of songs, and now they’re crowded onto a small stage together. Jaebum’s hovering towards the side, still not fully comfortable in the spotlight. He’s holding a strange plush toy in one hand, the mic in the other, chatting aimlessly to the fans about their music, thanking them for their support, the usual.

He isn’t sure what happens next, there’s such a blur of activity, but he’s looking away and Mark is crossing in front of him, and the next thing he knows, Jinyoung’s got a small biscuit in his hand, is extending it towards Youngjae. He watches as Youngjae leans forward to nibble the biscuit out of Jinyoung’s hand, giggling as he does so. He watches as Jinyoung grins triumphantly, tugs Youngjae close and wraps his arm around the younger boy’s shoulders.

And there it is again, the unspooling of something in his gut, flaring through his body. Jaebum can’t help himself, he feels like he’s watching himself from outside his own body, as he steps closer to the pair. He’s hovering, eyes darting between Jinyoung and Youngjae cuddling into each other, and the audience crowded before them. He doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know what to say, and it frustrates him.

Then Youngjae is extricating himself from Jinyoung’s grasp, and scurrying across the stage, and Jaebum is next to Jinyoung. He feels his body sigh away some of its tension, and he turns to Jinyoung, mumbling something into the mic about how hard they’ve all worked. He nods at Jinyoung, who beams and nods back at him, back at the crowd, agreeing easily with Jaebum.

He’s about to pull the mic away, lean into Jinyoung and maybe ask if he’s having fun, say something to Jinyoung that can be just for the two of them and not for the benefit of all these people gathered to see them, when Youngjae returns.

“Hyung!” Youngjae is calling out, and he has a sugary-looking pastry in his hand. Jaebum feels a surge of fondness towards Youngjae, who is never anything but sweet and lovely. But that doesn’t stop this monstrous feeling from mounting inside of him when Youngjae presses himself up against Jinyoung’s side, holding the pastry out towards Jinyoung’s mouth. It doesn’t stop him from clenching his fingers into the plush toy he’s holding when Jinyoung turns away from him, towards Youngjae, so easily, so quickly.

Then Jinyoung is leaning over to take a bite of the pastry, and Jaebum once again feels like he is going to combust. He turns away from Jinyoung, away from the unabashed display of affection going on beside him.

In the car on the way back from the event, Jinyoung leans over, asks in a hushed tone, “Hyung? Are you okay?”

Jaebum doesn’t want to look at Jinyoung, so he just shuts his eyes and leans his head against the car window. He knows he’s been quiet, he knows he hasn’t spoken a single word to Jinyoung since that whole _thing_ with Youngjae. But he feels so tightly coiled that he isn’t sure he will be able to say more than a few words to Jinyoung before exploding at him.

“Just tired,” is what Jaebum grunts out. He can feel Jinyoung freeze beside him at the sharp tone of his voice. But Jinyoung knows him well enough, knows that if he pushes any further, Jaebum is going to start yelling. So, after a few seconds, Jaebum feels Jinyoung shift back away.

Whatever it is inside of Jaebum, eating him up from the inside out, clenches a little more tightly.

 

 

III. Yugyeom

 

They’re watching a movie together, all seven of them, when Jaebum starts to realise what’s going on.

After the incident with Youngjae, Jaebum sits himself down and tries to rationalise the way he’s been feeling. It’s because the group is still relatively new, he thinks. He’s used to monopolising Jinyoung’s attention, back when they were a duo. And he’s just a little frustrated that he’s not the centre of Jinyoung’s universe any more. The playful flirting, accidental kisses, feeding each other and cuddling up against one another – he’s just annoyed, because those used to all be reserved for him, and now they aren’t any more.

He’s just struggling to share. Classic only child syndrome, Jaebum thinks to himself, chuckling mildly. That’s all that is.

So he tries his best. Tries to give Jinyoung space, to bite down his annoyance with Jinyoung fawns attention over the other members. Tries to ignore the prickling sensation that crawls up from his feet all the way to his scalp that urges him to step forward, grab Jinyoung, yank him out of whoever’s grasp he’s.

When he heads into the living room, on one of those rare nights where they all get to snuggle up with each other and spend some time doing nothing at all, it’s with this thought in mind.

So when Jinyoung looks up from where he’s already comfortably curled up into one end of the sofa, beckons for him to join, Jaebum just laughs in what he hopes is a casual way, and shakes his head.

“No space, too squashed,” he complains. He makes his way over to the armchair that Jackson has already taken up residence in. “Jackson-ah, let me sit here.”

“You know, you can’t boss us around just because you’re the leader,” says Jackson, but playfully. He likes to cuddle with the other members anyway. Jaebum doesn’t look back at Jinyoung, but he can feel Jinyoung’s eyes on him. He clears his throat, settles into the armchair. At his feet, Jackson is already slipping his legs under the blanket that Bambam has carried out from his room, wrapping his arms around the younger boy’s slim waist.

“Have you guys started yet?” calls out Yugyeom, ambling in with a bag of crisps.

“No, but we’re about to, so hurry up,” snaps back Jackson, and Jaebum smiles a little because Jackson can seem so rude sometimes, but they all know him well enough to know that he only puts on a front of annoyance because it’s funny.

Yugyeom pauses. “There’s no space for me,” he whines, and then Jaebum has to repeat his mantra about learning to share when Jinyoung reaches a hand up towards Yugyeom.

“Gyeom-ah, come sit with me,” Jinyoung is saying, snaking his fingers around Yugyeom’s wrist and tugging him forward. Mark and Youngjae are shuffling over to make space for their giant _maknae_ , and Jaebum can’t help himself but glance over.

His heart almost stops when he sees Jinyoung’s arms winding their way around Yugyeom’s waist. Jaebum was right when he said that there wasn’t space on the sofa for a fourth person, but that doesn’t seem to have stopped Jinyoung from trying. Yugyeom is practically in Jinyoung’s lap, his long legs sprawled across Jinyoung’s own slender ones.

Jaebum feels a heat rising inside him, even as the air around him seems to cool with alarming rapidity. He tears his eyes away from Jinyoung and Yugyeom as the movie starts, but he finds himself looking back over at them again and again. Every time he sees a movement in his peripheral vision, or hears the shift of fabric against fabric.

He watches as Jinyoung’s fingers stray down Yugyeom’s thighs, playing with the skin exposed by the rips in his jeans. He watches as Jinyoung motions for Yugyeom to feed him crisps. He watches as Jinyoung snuggles closer to Yugyeom, rests his chin on Yugyeom’s shoulder.

He watches as Jinyoung lifts his eyes from the tv screen, looks directly at him. There’s a dark look in his eyes, a challenge, and it burns Jaebum. He startles so visibly as he whips his head back round to focus on the movie, that Bambam glances up at him oddly. But Jaebum just keeps his eyes stubbornly fixed on the screen, up until the moment the credit start scrolling up the screen.

At which point he stands up, somewhat abruptly, he thinks, but nothing to be done about that now. “I’m going to bed,” he announces. He can feel everyone’s eyes on him, but Jinyoung’s in particular, branding him like a red-hot piece of iron.

As he starts to walk away, he hears, faintly, Jinyoung saying, “Jaebum-hyung,” and it makes him feel worse, infinitely worse. He pretends not to hear, just strides purposefully into his room and shuts the door. His chest is heaving, breaths coming short but heavy, like something’s pressing down on his lungs and preventing from them expanding fully.

He doesn’t want to share Jinyoung, Jaebum thinks to himself, but not because he’s an only child and he doesn’t know how to share. He doesn’t want to share Jinyoung because it’s Jinyoung. He doesn’t know where this realisation is coming from, all he knows that the way Jinyoung had looked at him, into him, like he was seeing something deep inside Jaebum, had dredged everything to the surface. Everything that he had been trying to hard to hide from himself.

For the first time in a long time, Jaebum has to bite down the urge to cry.

 

 

IV. Mark

 

Just because Jaebum can finally admit to himself that he’s jealous – wildly, blindly, shatteringly _jealous_ – doesn’t mean that he feels any better. If anything, it makes him feel worse. Every time Jinyoung looks at him, Jaebum feels shame burning within him, has to look away to keep from crying out in anguish.

He can’t believe that he’s let this happen, let himself start feeling all of these things for his _best friend_. And yet, at the same time, he can. Because Jinyoung is charming, and witty, and piercingly intelligent. But he’s also unwaveringly loyal to his friends and loved ones. And he’s thoughtful, and compassionate, and unflinchingly kind.

So he’s not surprised, really, he’s just angry. Enormously angry, and entirely at himself, for letting his own emotions get out of hand.

But Jaebum isn’t going to let this continue. He’s not going to let his feelings turn things awkward, risk the very fabric of the group. He’s the leader, and it’s at times like these that he needs to show his true mettle.

It may be the hardest thing he’s ever had to do as leader.

Jinyoung comes up to him one day, a day like any other, in the dance studio where they’ve been practicing all day. Everyone’s exhausted, it’s well past midnight, but it’s not perfect yet, and their comeback is coming up. Jaebum’s strung out from the physical tiredness, but also from the stress of worrying about their comeback, and on top of all of that there’s this whole mess with Jinyoung that he’s trying to bury so it won’t distract him from doing his bloody _job_.

He ends up snapping at Mark, like he’s been snapping at everyone all night, but Mark has always been easier to rile up than any of the other members, and Mark is snapping right back at him. The fact that Mark is older than Jaebum, though it isn’t something that makes itself felt very often, becomes painfully apparent whenever he fights with Mark, Jaebum thinks. Mark doesn’t back down, doesn’t defer to him out of politeness. And Jaebum is hot-tempered, even though he’s been trying to control himself more these days, and when they clash it gets fiery very quickly.

The thing that really ends up escalating things, however, is when Jinyoung inserts himself into the fray.

That, in and of itself, isn’t unusual. Jinyoung is almost always the one who steps in to calm Jaebum down, because Jaebum listens to Jinyoung in a way that he doesn’t, not quite, with any of the other members.

But things are different this time, and when Jinyoung steps between them, places his hands on Jaebum’s shoulders, Jaebum wrenches himself out of Jinyoung’s grasp. The aggressiveness of this clearly takes Jinyoung aback, but he straightens out his face quickly.

“Hyung, it’s okay,” Jinyoung says, “we’re all just tired, we’re all being short with each other. Maybe we should call it a day for now.”

“Maybe we could have called it a day hours ago if people were taking this seriously,” barks Jaebum sharply.

Mark throws his hands into the air in frustration. “We _are_ taking it seriously,” he says, voice rising in volume. “You’re being unreasonable.”

“I’m being unreasonable?” Jaebum repeats. He can hear his voice catching on every word, but he can’t control it. Nothing else comes to mind, so he says it again, “I’m being _unreasonable_?” He looks around the room. Everyone averts their eyes.

Everyone except Jinyoung.

“A little,” he says, not loudly, but not meekly either. Evenly. Because that’s what Jinyoung is like, always perfectly controlled. “You’re being a little unreasonable.”

Jaebum is not anything like Jinyoung in this regard. He feels completely off-balance. Jinyoung’s words slice through him like ice.

“Now you’re taking his side?” asks Jaebum, and he doesn’t intend for that to come out laced with so much venom, but it does. He can see the way it cuts into Jinyoung, and some cruel part of him that he never knew existed wishes that it hurt Jinyoung as much as Jinyoung had hurt him.

But Jinyoung’s voice never wavers. “I’m not taking sides,” he replies, “I just think everyone is on edge, and we should leave it for now.”

“Yeah, fuck, fine,” Jaebum almost shouts, “whatever you guys want.” He rakes his fingers through his hair in frustration. He’s being a terrible leader in so many ways right now, and he knows that. But it feels like his blood is boiling in his veins, fire coursing through him and threatening to set him ablaze. He can’t hold himself together.

“Whatever we want?” Jinyoung hisses, and now he looks angry. “What the _fuck_ is that supposed to mean?”

Jaebum can see himself spinning out of control, but he’s taking a sadistic, twisted delight out of tearing everything around them to shreds. “It means I’m fucking sick of this,” he says hotly, glaring at Jinyoung.

“Sick of what?” Jinyoung snaps back. He’s still calm, eerily calm, but red splotches are appearing on his neck, and Jaebum knows he is getting angry. “Sick of _what_ , exactly?”

Jaebum doesn’t know, or rather, he does know, but he doesn’t know how to say it. And even if he did, he would never. He would never shout back at Jinyoung that what he’s sick of is how easily Jinyoung gets under his skin. Or how he is so desperate for Jinyoung’s attention, that he would take it even if it was focused at him only in rage.

But he doesn’t get the chance to say any of that, anyway. Because Mark steps up to Jinyoung, places a hand on Jinyoung’s arm, pulling him away from Jaebum.

Everything seems to have flipped, because Mark isn’t angry anymore, he’s the calm one now, the one pacifying Jinyoung. Jaebum watches as they exchange a look, watching the way Mark squeezes Jinyoung’s arm. Watches Jinyoung’s shoulders sag.

And it’s too much for him. It only adds to the frustration he’s feeling, because of course Mark is the one to soothe Jinyoung, and all he can do is cause Jinyoung more upset. He feels useless, and then inexpressibly sad.

Surely there had been a time, once upon a time, when he was the one who would put a hand around Jinyoung, and feel his breathing slow, feel his erratic heartbeat regulate itself. When he was the one who Jinyoung could rely on, the one who made Jinyoung feel safe, at peace. He can’t remember what it feels like to have Jinyoung pressed against him, the two of them just existing, and the thought makes him feel desolate.

Jinyoung starts to turn to Jaebum, looks like he’s about to say something. Jaebum knows in his gut that it’s going to be an apology, but Jaebum thinks that if he has to hear the words ‘ _I’m sorry_ ’ come spilling out of Jinyoung at Mark’s prompting, he’s going to be sick.

So he just steps backwards, shaking his head, and says, “Save it.” Then he turns and walks out of the studio without looking back.

 

 

V. Jackson

 

Jaebum becomes even more rigid in the days after that, steeling himself against anything and everything because he’s terrified that he’s going to break. But he doesn’t get harder, or stronger.

He just gets more brittle.

To be honest, Jaebum’s not sure how the group manages to trudge along for a few more days after his blow-up at the dance studio. Jaebum knows that he’s the leader, that it’s his job to confront the issue and fix things. But for once in his life he doesn’t know what to do. Or, rather, he knows exactly what he needs to do, but he just can’t do it.

Every time the members have a fight, the answer is always – _always_ – for them to talk it out. But Jaebum can’t talk to Jinyoung about this. He can’t go up to his best friend of nearly a decade and casually tell him that he’s been developing such strong feelings for him that it’s driving him insane. And if he can’t say that, there’s nothing else for him to say.

He comes back home one day to see Jinyoung and Jackson slouched on the sofa together. Their heads are bowed together, like they’ve been discussing something intently, and they both look up abruptly as he enters. He doesn’t know if he’s imagining the guilty looks on their faces, but he doesn’t care. He tells himself that he doesn’t care.

He’s about to head into his room when he hears Jackson’s voice calling out his name, far more hesitant and wary than he’s used to from Jackson. Jaebum sighs heavily, turns back. “What?” he asks, trying to keep his voice neutral. He looks directly at Jackson, trying to ignore the fact that Jinyoung is sitting right there, staring at him.

“Uh,” Jackson hesitates, glancing at Jinyoung, and they share a look that has Jaebum biting on the inside of his cheek to keep from screaming. “Uh, Jinyoung-ah…”

“Spit it out, whatever it is.”

Jinyoung licks his lips, and Jaebum notices this even though he’s trying his best not to look at Jinyoung. “Jaebum-hyung,” he says, and his voice is deep, and even, and Jaebum realises he hasn’t heard his name in that voice for days. But he doesn’t know what to say in response, his mouth dry.

Jinyoung casts another glance at Jackson, and then Jackson is placing a hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. This ends up being the thing that tips Jaebum over the edge.

“Hyung, can we talk?” Jinyoung asks, but it’s too late. Jaebum feels like sirens are going off inside his head. It’s the tenderness of the gesture, the soft look in Jackson’s eyes. It’s the fact that Jinyoung is – has always been – the strong one. He’s the one people go to for support, for encouragement, for reassurance. Not the other way around.

And any time Jinyoung has needed someone to lean on, it’s always been Jaebum.

It should be Jaebum’s hand there, on Jinyoung’s shoulder. But Jaebum has messed everything up, and let himself fall in too deep, and now he can’t be the one there for Jinyoung any longer. And the thought drives him nearly wild with grief.

He does the only thing he knows how to do, and clams up. “I don’t have anything to say to you,” he says, coldly. He sees the way the lights seem to go out in Jinyoung’s eyes, and it crushes him, but he has to do this, has to extricate himself from this before it really becomes too late.

“What is wrong with you?” asks Jinyoung, his voice escalating in pitch.  He stands up to look Jaebum in the eye, and Jaebum has to force himself not to look away.

“Nothing,” says Jaebum, “I just – why can’t you talk to Jackson instead? You looked cosy on the couch when I got back.”

Jackson glares at him with such venom when he says this. Jinyoung just looks like he’s simultaneously on the verge of tears, and of punching him. Jaebum’s never seen him like this before.

“What did I do?” says Jinyoung, loudly, hotly. His voice cracks on the last word, then his whole body is sagging, like his bones have melted away. “Why do you hate me?” his voice winds down to almost nothing, and his eyes are glassy with tears as he stares up at Jaebum.

Jaebum feels rooted to the spot. It’s like lights are flashing in front of his eyes, he feels dizzy. His tongue is leaden in his mouth, and no words come to him.

When he doesn’t respond, Jinyoung just lets out a broken huff, and shoulders past him. His bedroom door slams shut behind him.

Alone with Jackson now, Jaebum sinks into the armchair. Jackson is still glaring at him.

“You’re an asshole,” Jackson says, simply, bluntly.

Jaebum can’t bring himself to fight anymore. “I know,” he says. He feels like he’s been emptied out completely.

“Go fucking fix it, then,” Jackson says, before storming out of the room as well.

Jaebum wants to, he really does, but he doesn’t know if he will be able to. At this point, though, things are so broken that he can’t possibly make it worse, so Jaebum heaves himself to his feet, and begins the arduous journey over to Jinyoung’s room.

 

 

\+ I. Jinyoung

 

It takes everything Jaebum has in him to knock on Jinyoung’s door. He’s terrified out of his wits, but at the same time he seems to have broken past the fear into ‘ _fuck it_ ’ territory.

He waits, the silence seeming interminable, until – finally – he hears Jinyoung’s voice calling for him to come in, and it’s embarrassing how much his heart soars at the sound.

“Hey,” he says, once he’s in, and shut the door behind him. He feels suddenly incredibly aware of his own body, lumbering and huge, standing awkwardly in the middle of Jinyoung’s room.

“Hey,” replies Jinyoung, who is sitting on his bed. His eyes are bloodshot, and puffy, and it’s obvious that he’s been crying. Jaebum’s heart twists at the sight, guilt curling around him and clenching.

“Uh,” Jaebum starts, and he hates the way he can barely piece words together, “I’m sorry.” That’s the simplest thing, he thinks, and the most truthful. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Jinyoung smiles, and it is so tentative and broken that Jaebum feels giddy with shame. He can feel tears pricking at the back of his own eyes.

“I’m just confused,” Jinyoung says, softly, “I don’t understand what I did wrong, why you’re pushing me away.”

“I’m not pushing you away,” says Jaebum, instinctively, winces when Jinyoung raises an eyebrow at him because the lie is blatantly obvious. “Okay, I’ve been acting weird, but it’s – it’s nothing to do with you – it’s all me. I promise.”

Jaebum hopes that this will be enough to satisfy Jinyoung, but of course it isn’t. Not only does Jinyoung know him better than anyone else in the world, he is also one of the most persistent people Jaebum knows. “What are you talking about?” Jinyoung presses. “What do you mean, it’s nothing to do with me, that it’s all you?”

It’s frustrating, though, because Jaebum wants to tell Jinyoung everything, but he doesn’t want to see the look of disgust on Jinyoung’s face – or worse, the look of pity. Jaebum exhales heavily, runs his hands through his hair in exasperation. “I don’t know how to explain it,” he mutters.

“Try,” is all that Jinyoung says, and there’s so much faith in the way Jinyoung is looking at him, that Jaebum decides he owes it to Jinyoung. They’re best friends, the two of them, and Jaebum needs to trust that Jinyoung will handle his heart with compassion, at the very least.

But figuring out how to go about explaining himself is easier said than done. Jaebum starts and stops a few times, Jinyoung patiently staring up at him the whole time.

“In the past few – months?” Jaebum hesitates. He doesn’t even really have a proper grip on when this all started for him. Maybe long before that, but he’s only been aware of it for a few months, so he goes with that. “In the past few months,” he repeats, more firmly, “I have been – um, feeling…things. For you.”

He thinks he can see a smile ghost across Jinyoung’s lips, but it’s so barely there and then it’s gone. Jaebum thinks he must be imagining things, blinks himself back to reality and pushes on. “And it’s been tough, you know – seeing you, with the others,” he says, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He wants nothing more than to flee from the room, to stop the infernal crawling feeling of shame that’s threatening to engulf him. But he focuses on Jinyoung, sitting there, just looking at him, face completely calm, and he continues, “It made me mad, but I think I was just…having a difficult time. Figuring out how I felt.”

Jaebum has no idea if anything he’s said has made sense, but it’s the best he’s going to manage at this point, when his nerves are frazzled to the point of spontaneously combusting. Jinyoung seems to sense that he’s done talking now, taking slow, deep breaths, absorbing and processing all of the information Jaebum’s dumped on him.

“How do you feel?” is what Jinyoung says when he finally speaks. “You said you were figuring out how you feel. How do you feel?”

It’s a fair question, but Jaebum wants to cry with the weight of it. He feels his breath coming to him in shorter and shorter bursts, and he feels light-headed, and the ground seems to sway beneath him.

And then it all stops. Jinyoung has stood up, and his hands are resting gently on the sides of Jaebum’s face. Jaebum’s sure that Jinyoung can feel his pulse thrumming erratically under his palm.

“Jaebum-ah,” Jinyoung says, and Jaebum’s head swims. He hasn’t heard Jinyoung call him that in so long. The dropped formalities usually make Jaebum mad, but this time it just steadies him. “Jaebum-ah,” Jinyoung repeats, his eyes locking with Jaebum’s and refusing to let go, “Breathe.”

When Jaebum stops hyperventilating, Jinyoung smiles softly, sweetly, and says, “Tell me.” His thumb strokes across Jaebum’s cheek, and the touch is gentle but also fire on Jaebum’s skin. “Please, hyung,” Jinyoung is saying, and Jaebum is faintly aware of the wetness of a tear slipping down his own cheek, “please tell me how you feel.”

“Jinyoungie,” Jaebum manages, somehow, to breathe. They are so, so close now, and there is no air left in the room. “I like you.” Maybe he even _loves_ him, Jaebum thinks, but he can’t say that. One step at a time.

This makes Jinyoung smile widen slightly, and the skin around his eyes relax into the expression, crinkling ever so slightly at the corners. “I like you too, you know,” Jinyoung says, his voice so quiet it is almost a whisper, but it rings loud in Jaebum’s head.

“No, but, I like, _like you_ ,” Jaebum insists, because obviously they like each other, as friends, and he needs to convey to Jinyoung that this is _different_. And because his brain can’t quite accept what Jinyoung’s saying, because that can’t be possible, that can’t be what Jinyoung means.

Jinyoung lets out the tiniest laugh, a chuckle that is barely more than a huff of air. Jaebum can feel the warm puff of Jinyoung’s breath against his lips. They are so close that Jaebum knows he can’t possibly be dreaming, because this is so much closer than Jaebum has ever allowed himself to even idly wonder about.

And then they are even closer yet, because Jinyoung is leaning forward and their lips are pressing together and Jaebum thinks he might pass out from the wave of emotion that courses through him. Jinyoung’s lips are soft against his, and he is thrown back to a distant memory of the time they were in the same position, except with a sheet of paper between them.

Now there is nothing between them, not anymore. And all Jaebum can feel is the soft warmth of Jinyoung’s lips against his own.

When Jinyoung pulls back, just the slightest hair’s breadth, Jaebum feels a sudden panic, because what if that was a mistake, and he’s regretting it, and he’s ruined everything?

“Shut up, I can hear you over-thinking from here,” says Jinyoung, and Jaebum flushes. Jinyoung knows him too well. “I just wanted to say – you’re an idiot for making us both miserable when we could have been doing this all along.”

Jaebum juts his lower lip out. “I didn’t know that you liked me,” he says, even though he’s still in disbelief, then adds, “Wait, you do like me, right?”

Jinyoung rolls his eyes, because even when they’re in this position he will never stop calling Jaebum out on his shit. “Yes, I do, you big lump,” he says, but he’s smiling, and the sight is so beautiful it makes Jaebum dizzy with happiness. “I’ve liked you for ages, and I’ve tried everything from flirting with you to trying to make you jealous, but nothing worked.”

“Well, I don’t know, I think it worked pretty well,” jokes Jaebum, a little of his lightness returning to him. “You should have just told me.”

“ _You_ should have just told me,” comes Jinyoung’s reply, just as Jaebum had expected. “I was trying to figure out if you liked me back,” he adds, a little shyly, cheeks turning faintly pink with the admission, and Jaebum isn’t used to this side of Jinyoung, but he thinks he could get used it, he could get very used to it.

“I do like you,” Jaebum hums happily, and he delights in the way Jinyoung’s face lights up at this. “And, if it’s okay with you, I’m going to kiss you again now.”

He doesn’t wait for a response, and Jinyoung lets a tiny squeak of surprise when he pulls them together again. It doesn’t take more than a heartbeat for Jinyoung to smile against his lips, to wind his hands around his neck and drag him closer. Jaebum wraps his arms around Jinyoung’s waist, presses them flush against each other.

When he flicks his tongue out to lick at Jinyoung’s lips, Jinyoung opens his mouth obligingly, letting out a soft moan that sends a heat curling up from Jaebum’s belly. And the heat builds, coiling through his core and rushing through his veins like fire. But it’s a different heat from the one he’s been so used to, the one that had been crushing him slowly, torturously.

No, the heat he feels when Jinyoung combs his fingers through his hair, or nips at his bottom lip, or rolls his hips against his groin so deliciously – it is a different heat. It doesn’t crush him, it makes him feel whole, and light, and like he could fly. He feels like he could burst from all the energy radiating out from within him.

He doesn’t know what he had been so afraid of all this time. And he doesn’t really care. Because now he is in Jinyoung’s arms, and Jinyoung is in his, and everything feels like it’s falling into place.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Phew...I hope you enjoyed that! Please leave comments and kudos if you did - I love knowing what you thought of the story and it is so inspiring to hear from you :) Also I wrote this over the course of one evening in one solid sitting so I hope it's not utter nonsense (I will go back and fix typos when it isn't one in the morning).
> 
> Go check out my [BTS version of this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15444897) if you enjoyed this and stan BTS/ship taekook.
> 
> Do also come talk to me on twitter @[notionxally](https://twitter.com/notionxally), I'm always looking for people to talk to about all my FEELS.


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